Feeling guilty after probable exposure to partner

[derbygirl21]

I wrote previously about risk of protected transmission. I’ve had a new partner for 4 months. I disclosed my status to him and risk level with my suppressive medication and protection. I asked him the first time we had sex if he had any further questions and he said no. I also told him I had been tested for other STDs with negative status. He said he had been tested as well and we both shared our results the next time we were together (it’s a long distance relationship and we see each other 1 time every 2 to 3 weeks for a weekend). The first 8 weeks we dated, we used protection. The last two times he did not want to use protection. I said to him “are you want to take that risk?” and he said yes. This surprised me but I figure he’s a grown man (41 years old) and making an informed decision. Also, since I asked him if he had any questions the first time and he said “no,” then I figured it was up to him to do any further research on the matter.

My current issue is we just spent a weekend together and the day after I started feeling a sore coming on, which means he was definitely exposed. I can never tell when I’m going to get a lesion (I usually have one in the same place), it just comes. I’m feeling a little guilty and wondering if there is anything else I could have done or if I should let this go because he’s an adult and I was very honest about my status? I didn’t want push any more “literature” on him when we decided to be unprotected, as he’s a grown man and it’s not my job to baby him. Even though we are in a monogamous sexual relationship the behavior confuses me a little that he would take that risk so early. It makes me think one of 3 things: 1. He also had or I gave it to him even we were protected and he doesn’t want me to feel bad 2. He takes this relationship seriously and feels it’s worth the risk or 3. He’s more emotionally immature than I realize (which there are some signs of) and thinks it’s not going to happen to him.

Obviously, this is a communication issue between us in this relationship but I guess I’m just seeking reassurance that I have not done anything wrong since I disclosed, asked if he had questions and even asked when he wanted to be unprotected “are you sure you want to take the risk?” Have you ever come across this scenario and what are your thoughts?

Thank you!

[Terri Warren]

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You did everything exactly right. And his behavior is not inconsistent with other couples I have heard of, partners willing to take a risk of herpes, believing that the risk is low and condoms are a bummer. In reality, the transmission rate from females to males is not high at all, particularly when the female is on suppression. And your other option of him having it already could be true I suppose but do you think he would have told you if he knew? The point is, you have told him, you have taken suppression, you have observed for outbreaks and you have advised him to use condoms. You have done all the things you should and now your task is to continue to accept that there is a risk and that he, as an adult, as decided to take that risk. I’ve actually been in his position and made the same decision, and I know a ton about herpes!

Terri

[derbygirl21]

Thanks, Terri. I feel much better. A couple of questions – is the risk of female to male low when the female is on suppression, even if there was an intercourse and an outbreak came on the day after? I know there’s no guarantees but just curious.

Finally, he and I are going to a 4-day music festival in a few weeks and I’m due to be on my cycle. I’m fairly heavy the first couple of days, so I’m taking 100 mg of progesterone to delay my cycle a few days this month. Does progesterone trigger outbreaks? I’ve read some places that hormones trigger outbreaks. I know the first year I would get a lesion either right before or right after my cycle.

Thanks again!!

[Terri Warren]

The female to male risk if lower on suppression, yes, definitely.
If he is going to get an outbreak due to intercourse around the time of your outbreak, it will likely show up within 10 days or so.
While some people do report an association between outbreaks and hormones, I am not aware of any specific relationship between progesterone and HSV recurrences.

Terri

[Terri Warren]

The female to male risk if lower on suppression, yes, definitely.
If he is going to get an outbreak due to intercourse around the time of your outbreak, it will likely show up within 10 days or so.
While some people do report an association between outbreaks and hormones, I am not aware of any specific relationship between progesterone and HSV recurrences.

Terri

[derbygirl21]

Last question: So I was obviously shedding when we were unprotected, as I had a sore start to develop the next day. Does taking anti-viral therapy reduce the amount of the virus that is shed even when symptomatic, as what I think I’m hearing you say that anti-viral can help reduce risk from female to male, even with outbreak or oncoming outbreak?

Again, thanks so much!

[Terri Warren]

You may or may not have been shedding. And yes, antivirals also reduce the amount of virus present when you are shedding, if you were shedding. And yes that is what I am saying.

Terri

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