Girlfriend gets cold sores. Should I be worried?

[Anonymous]

I started dating a woman about 3 months ago. We started kissing after about 5 dates. Once it became clear that sex was around the corner, I asked if she had any STDs. She informed me that she was diagnosed with HPV recently, but that’s it. No mention of herpes (oral or genital.) Since herpes is what I was mostly concerned about, I felt safe to begin having sex with her. We started having protected sex (with condoms) though she performed oral sex on me several times without a condom. Then one day we were talking about herpes and she revealed that she gets cold sores. She said that she didn’t consider it worth mentioning since they are so common and she has been getting them since childhood (and therefore not an STD.) I, on the other hand, was very upset by this news as this is something I have been trying to avoid (herpes.) In the weeks that followed, we nearly broke up over this issue and the intimacy has mostly stopped. We even stopped kissing except in a few instances. She tells me that I have almost zero chance of getting herpes from her unless a sore is present. She also says that I probably already have it and that I shouldn’t be concerned. She thinks I am being ridiculous, germaphobic, and it’s a complete non-issue. Her friends advised her to break up with me for even making it an issue. To me, however, the risk seems very real. I like her, but do not want to start getting herpes, oral or genital. Nomatter how common they may be, I do not want to start getting sores on my mouth if I can help it. My question is this: if my girlfriend is someone who used to get herpes as a child, but rarely gets them anymore, what is my risk for getting oral and/or genital herpes from her when no sores are present?

[Terri Warren]

Interesting situation.

First, I think you need an antibody test (IgG only) to see if you may already have HSV 1 and not know it (or even HSV 2 and not know it; 80% of those infected don’t know it). then you can start from a place of knowing the real situation, not guessing. Then you can start acting upon accurate information. You can even order this test online yourself, without a health care provider’s order. I like to use healthcheckusa.com but there are many services that do this. remember, only IgG, no IgM.

If your partner is infected with HSV 1, she an transmit the virus to you, either orally or genitally, without symptoms. However, 56% of the US population between 14 and 49 has HSV 1 infection; 70% don’t know it. Do even if you test negative at this point, and you decide to move on to another partner for this reason, you will very likely encounter another person who has this. You seem quite concerned about getting HSV 1 but are you willing to use that as a significant measure of who you will be partnered with? Some people will make the decision, many won’t.

Another alternative would be for her to take daily antiviral therapy to reduce the risk of infecting you. I guess that depends upon how willing she is to deal with your fears and how willing you are to deal with the small risk of getting her HSV 1 infection, either orally or genitally.

I don’t think there are any judgments to be made here – either by her friends OR you. Your concerns are your concerns. But you do need testing to know for sure this is an issue at all and then you and she, I think, need to have a talk and come to a place that works for both of you. Remember, half the women you will kiss / receive oral sex from/ in the future will have HSV 1, if they are between 14 and 49. The vast majority will deny that they are infected because they don’t know they are infected. And some will also have HSV 2; 80% of those people who are infected don’t know they are infected. This could also be true of your and/or your current partner.

I hope you will pursue getting more information about your true situation and treat this tenderly and with thoughtfulness.

Terri

[Anonymous]

Thanks, I will most certainly get an IgG test as soon as possible. If I am understanding this correctly, there is a distinct possibility that I am already infected with HSV 1, HSV 2, or both, but am not aware of it because I am asymtomatic.

So if 56% of people aged 14 to 49 have HSV1, but 70% don’t know it, that means only about 30% of people with the virus actually get outbreaks and the rest just carry it unknowingly. Or, 5.6 out of 10 people have herpes, but only 3 out of 10 exhibit symptoms. Does that seem about right?

If I have antibodies in my blood, but have never manifested symptoms, is it safe to say that I will likely never have an outbreak?

[Terri Warren]

You’ve got the statistics about right. Yup. Sometimes, people DO have symptoms but they don’t recognize them as being from herpes. So I’ll tweak your interpretation just a bit. If you do have antibody to HSV 1 and/or HSV 2, you may not display symptoms or you might, no way to know. Often, once people are diagnosed, they do recognize symptoms which they previously did not, as herpes.

Hope this is helpful.

Terri

[Anonymous]

If you could clear up one more thing for me. Let’s say hypothetically I was infected with HSV1 years ago from a kiss, and therefore have antibodies in my blood, does that mean if my girlfriend performs oral sex on me I won’t get infected down there because I already have the antibodies to defend against it?

[Terri Warren]

Yes, it is extremely rare (I may have seen it once in 32 years) that someone who has antibody to HSV 1 gets it in a new place on their body. However, if you have HSV 1 and you have never had a cold sore, you can’t know if this antibody is due to oral or genital infection, assuming you have received oral sex in the past? Hope that answers your question.

We’ve now reached the three questions covered in your original subscription. If you have more questions you would like to ask, you can go back and add a new set of questions at the sign in page.

Terri

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