I don't know what to do

[paralyzed]

Hi Terri,
I am a 50 yr old maried female and have had type 2 Herpes for the past 20 years. I was infected by my husband. I have used daily suppression therapy ((valcyclovir and or acyclovir) and also have tried taking these meds only when I feel an outbreak about to occur. However, I feel better when I take something close to daily and that was what I was doing before this incident. Recently ( a week ago) I was with someone I have known for 33 years and am in love with. The feeling is mutual. It’s not a regular thing as we are both married and live in different states. I did not tell him I had herpes. The heat of the moment was honestly too much and I felt so free and wonderful! My sex life with my husband is non existent. Anyway, that night we did not have sex but there was some genital to genial contact. Now, I’m so beyond stressed that I may have infected him I can hardly function. Which in turn I think caused me to have an outbreak. If he has no signs within the 2-10 day period am I in the clear? I don’t know what to do. Wait and see.? Either way, I’m paralyzed! I can’t really call this person and honestly would rather tell him face to face but I don’t know when I will be traveling again. I know what the right thing would have been to do but….every time I am with this person I’m so happy that it’s just not what I want to talk about. Now, I’m afraid and feel so irresponsible!

[Terri Warren]

I can see this is a very tough situation for you right now.
Can you be a little more explicit about the kind of sexual contact that you had with him? That would be helpful.
If you are on daily medicine and did not have intercourse, the risk is really low of transmission, regardless of your activity, but it is not zero.

Terri

[paralyzed]

Hi Terri,
Thanks so much for your quick response. Everyday that goes by I feel a bit more relief but not as much as I would like. Here are the details- I gave him oral but I did not receive oral from him. He did feel me with his fingers on the outside and inside of my vagina. His penis rubbed on my pubic area, labia, clitoris and probably my urethra but never entered my vagina. . I can’t say exactly for how long but it was off and on for several minutes or more. It wasn’t necessarily in that order. Just thinking about it makes me have a hot flash! When and if I have a break out it is usually around my anus. However, I am aware that cells can be present in many different areas other than the original spot and that I don’t have to have a break out to transmit. The other thing that scares me it I started my period 4 days later…sigh.
Thanks again.

[Terri Warren]

Well, the oral sex is not a risk but the genital rubbing could be a small risk. Hard to quantify, but if you were on suppression, certainly the amount of virus will be less than if you had not been, if there was virus present. I know this is stressful for you, not easy at all. Are you going to talk to him about this so if he symptoms he can recognize what they are?

Terri

[paralyzed]

Hi Terri,
This is the most paralyzing part. I’ve put someone’s health at risk and others ( his wife). And then to somehow come around after the fact and tell him is even worse. Either way I feel like it will be a loss and that is beyond selfish on my part. Our communication has never been through phone or letter. Only in person or messaging. I have even looked in your handbook for guidance on how to tell someone. Even then..i just keep hoping that enough time will go by but…not a good plan I know! Today will have been a 8 days. I know you mention within 2-10 days symptoms may show up and I don’t know if that is a pretty clear guide. But, as I’ve learned, he still may have been infected and not have signs. It’s such a complicated situation. I wish I was able to communicate more easily with him. I try to live by being an adult, telling the truth and letting go of outcomes but in this instance I am not doing any. The fear and shame have turned my life upside down. I feel like I am the only one that this has ever happened to. My rational side knows better but my heart is crushed along with my self-respect.

[Terri Warren]

Very tough situation, and I don’t have any easy answers for you.
Going forward, you are going to have to deal with this with him if you continue to see him, right? You are in love with him – you are going to see him again and I suspect you will not have sex again with him and not tell him. You have learned from this that your own angst resulting from that situation is not worth going through it again.

How exactly were you diagnosed? Did you just get lesions and knew you had herpes because your husband did? Because if that’s how this happened, I am wondering, would it be worth going to get an antibody test and once you have a positive test in hand, tell him that you were tested and that you are positive? Just brainstorming here. I think the sooner you tell him something and in some way ,the less likely it might be for him to infect his wife. Do you know if they are having sex?

Anyway, this is your last question on this subscription. If you have more questions, please feel free to renew.

Terri

[paralyzed]

Hi Terri
Yes, I hope to see him again. As it stands now, I haven’t heard from him which is a bit unsettling. Of course, you know where my mind has gone. I’m not the kind to pester him so it’s hard not hearing anything. If I never hear from him again I’m not sure what I should do:( Today, would be day 10 since our encounter. I would hope he would contact me if lesions or something was showing up. From what he has told me his sex life is pretty much non-existent as well. You are right, if I see him I will tell him before it gets out of hand. I can’t go through this again. I honestly don’t remember how I was diagnosed. At the time I was living in the Virgin Islands and the doctors kept telling me it was something else but when my then boyfriend/husband heard my symptoms he had me use a Zovirex cream and the symptoms seem to go away. But since then, I know I’ve told my gynecologist but don’t remember if she had looked for lesions and found something or did any kind of testing. I will be seeing her in about a month for my annual. Perhaps, I should ask her for an anitbody test. I don’t even know if she can perform this. Appreciate all your help.
Thanks

[Terri Warren]

Hmmmm. I think an antibody test would be a good idea – type specific IgG. If your doctor won’t do it for you, you can order your own online at many websites, including healthcheckusa.com which I have used for people for a while. The testing is the same and you don’t need a doctor’s order to do it. How often do you have outbreaks?

Terri

[paralyzed]

Hi Terri,
I am trying to see if I can get in earlier to see my doctor but will also ask if she does this test and if not will go ahead and order one from the website you suggested. My break outs used to be few and far between but with the decline of my marriage came added stress and the stress has been heavy at times for the past 5 years. So, I would say I have breakouts now 4-6 times a year. How does this play out with my recent situation? Also, I was wondering between the Acyclovir and Valcyclovir what is better or is that a personal preference. I’ve also heard that Valcyclovir is better at preventing transmission. Again, I’m still so scared with what has happened and lack of anything from him that I’m trying to make myself feel better. I was taking Valcyclovir at the time we were together.
Thanks for your help.

[Terri Warren]

Your doctor cannot order this test. It can only be obtained directly from the University of Washington or us.
Acyclovir and Valacyclovir are equivalent for viral shedding when taken as directly (Johnson, 2013 or2012) and acyclovir is far cheaper. Only val has been studied specifically for transmission. You still haven’t heard back from him? Yikes.

Terri

[paralyzed]

Terri,
So, I’ll just keep taking my Acyclovir daily. I will tell you that after each time I am with him there has been a period of time I don’t hear from him for a while. A pattern of 5 years. However, this last time was way more intense as you read from my description and was followed by daily communication until i returned to Portland. Anyway, I think I will make an appointment to have the test taken with you/Westover so at least I can know for sure. At this point, I can’t imagine it to be anything else. I didn’t know if there was any correlation between frequency of breakouts and transmission. It has now past the 8-10 day period if he were to show signs of a first breakout.
Thank you.

[Terri Warren]

People who break out more also tend to shed more, but your frequency is really normal, not a lot.
Yes, come see me for a western blot just to be absolutely sure.
Don’t you think if he got lesions on his penis he would call you???

Terri

[paralyzed]

Terri,
Yes, I would really hope he would call if this happened…sigh! Also I though about it a bit more and I do think I have more breakouts per year. Closer to 10-12. Which in turn is freaking me out even more! I’m not sure I can be more stressed… Help! Anyway, I set up a time to come see you for an IGg but perhaps I need to change this to Western blot.
See you soon. I’m feeling so fragile…

[Terri Warren]

I’m so sorry. No word at all? Glad you are coming in . This must be very difficult at home for you, holding this together.
We’ll talk soon.

Terri

[Author]

Posts