Is he being reasonable?

[Styler]

Hi Terri
I have already asked you a question about HSV2 and alcohol use as my boyfriend is convinced that my drinking (however little) will increase his chances of getting it from me. However, I’d like to outline the sequence of events so that you have a greater understanding of the situation.
I contracted HSV2 from my second sexual partner in 1995. I stayed with this man for many years so it was not an issue for me. When I contracted it I had a swab test to confirm what it was and told to abstain from sex during outbreaks. I was not informed of assymptomatic shedding and I don’t believe that anti-viral drugs were available then; I certainly wasnt offered them.
When that long term relationship ended I had a few partners, who I told about my HSV when I could feel an outbreak coming on, not before we started making love. We had sexual relations because I mistakenly thought that it was safe.
This is a pattern that I followed with my current partner. We made love because I thought it was safe to do so and only told him when I was having an outbreak. He was outraged that I hadnt told him before and understandably so. I had not kept myself informed of the disease since I first contracted it and had inadvertently put him at risk. I felt extremely stupid and so am still researching as much as possible. I am taking daily suppressive antivirials.
He is adamant that though he had many sexual partners earlier in life, he does not have it, though he has never been tested. He has not had any symptoms of HSV since sleeping with me. However, we are now at an impasse. He is now saying that he doesnt feel safe having sex with me if I drink any alcohol at all, though at first he was ok with it. I am feeling extremely guilty and have tried to make it up to him but he doesnt seem to trust me, though he says he does ‘fancy’ me.
The no sex situation has been going on for a couple of months now and I’m wondering what I should do. Should I be patient because after all I was in the wrong in the first place or should I think that I have waited long enough and actually I should move on? I love him dearly but really dont know what to do. Thanks for your help.

[Terri Warren]

Sometimes we dearly love the wrong people. I’ve certainly been there, done that. In this case, I do remember you and worried at the time that this could get weirder. And it has. You are here asking for my advice. I say GET OUT. There is no evidence for what this person is requesting from you and avoiding sex with you because you drink alcohol occasionally is ridiculous. His refusal to get tested is yet another red flag. I think he is a control freak and my guess is that this has very little to do with your herpes.

You told people about your herpes when you had an outbreak and avoided sex, as you were told. Yes, you didn’t keep up on the topic but now you have. You apologized, you have tolerated a lot of BS from him, and now you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It would not surprise me in the least if at some point he did get tested and if he is positive, will go after you in some way for giving him herpes, be it emotionally or legally.

He “fancies” you? oh please!! If he fancied you, he would not be putting you through this kind of treatment. I think this is only the beginning of trouble in this relationship filled with red flags popping up every where.

You asked, that’s what I think.

Terri

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Terri Warren.

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