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Hello Terri,
I started seeing a woman approximately 1 month ago. Though I haven’t known her long, I have developed feelings for her, and I believe she has feelings for me as well. We haven’t had sex yet, but we were in bed kissing a few days ago and there was mutual masturbation. We were both wearing underwear, so not completely naked, but almost. She said that before we have sex, we need to have the talk. I said sure. So the next day I followed up and she revealed to me that she has genital herpes. She got it when she was 18 from a boyfriend going down on her. He didn’t have lesions present but was known to get cold sores. She figures that he had been shedding. Now in her mid 30s, she only gets outbreaks once a year. To my knowledge, she doesn’t take any kind of medicine for it, except in the event of a breakout. She said that she can’t use condoms because the friction actually causes breakouts, so never had protected sex with any of her past boyfriends, and to her knowledge, none of them have contracted the virus from her. I asked her about other forms of birth control and she said she doesn’t take any because she has a history of cancer in her family and (this is where it gets confusing to me) and she feels the birth control is not good for this reason. I like her a lot, but the thought of having unprotected sex with someone who has genital herpes who also happens to not be on birth control scares me. Especially since I have only known this person for a month and not sure where the relationship will go. My questions:
1-She has never had a cold sore, only genital outbreaks. Can I assume that deep kissing and masturbation where she uses her spit are safe activities for me? (I am negative for both, btw, confirmed by tests done earlier this year.)
2-Are there any forms of birth control that would be safe for her to use?
3-In general, I’m confused about what to say and how to talk with her about this. Like I said before, I care for her, but to engage in what feels to be risky behavior (both because of the risk of contracting herpes and lack of birth control) has given me a lot of anxiety. In an ideal world, I would tell her that I need to process all of this information and put the physical part of the relationship on hold, while continuing to talk with her and see her. However, I fear this will hurt her or make her feel rejected. I would appreciate your thoughts and insight on this.
Thank you.
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1-She has never had a cold sore, only genital outbreaks. Can I assume that deep kissing and masturbation where she uses her spit are safe activities for me? (I am negative for both, btw, confirmed by tests done earlier this year.)
Yes, those should be OK if she has only genital infection. Just so you know, the standard screening test for HSV 1 misses a whole lot of cases, compared to western blot.
2-Are there any forms of birth control that would be safe for her to use?
Cancer in her family should have nothing to do with birth control. I’m not sure what she’s talking about. There are lots of kind of birth control she can use if she doesn’t want to take birth control pills. She should go to Planned Parenthood for an appointment, they can help her. I personally would not have sex with someone who doesn’t want to use condoms and isn’t using birth control unless you want to be a dad right now.
3-In general, Iām confused about what to say and how to talk with her about this. Like I said before, I care for her, but to engage in what feels to be risky behavior (both because of the risk of contracting herpes and lack of birth control) has given me a lot of anxiety. In an ideal world, I would tell her that I need to process all of this information and put the physical part of the relationship on hold, while continuing to talk with her and see her. However, I fear this will hurt her or make her feel rejected. I would appreciate your thoughts and insight on this.
I think your response is perfect, actually, and if she gets upset, well, there you are. She’s asking a whole lot from you.
Personally, if you are really crazy about her, get a western blot to be sure you don’t have HSV 1. If you are negative, then you can make a logical decision. People with HSV 1 (if that’s what she really has) don’t shed often so that’s good. But I would want to confirm that she really does have HSV 1 before going further.Terri
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It is possible to have the infection in both locations, yes, and though there is no research that I know of on this topic, it seems to me that the oral infection would be the most symptomatic if it was in two locations as HSV 1 prefers the mouth. I’m not sure what you mean about timing – if a person acquires infections at two locations on the same day, I don’t think timing is a factor here.
We can order you a western blot through the clinic to be drawn at a lab near your home.
Terri
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Yes, if you were to get herpetic whitlow, then you basically would be vaccinated against getting the infection in a new location on your body. But I wouldn’t rely on that until you have PROVEN through swab testing that you have herpetic whitlow.
Terri
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You don’t have anything at all to worry about given what you’ve done so far, assuming she has only genital infection. Have you been tested to discover your antibody status? If not, you should be. If she does have HSV 1 genitally (from receiving oral sex), she is particularly unlikely to transmit genital herpes to you. And if you already have HSV 1, identified via antibody test, then you are the same and there is no risk. But we don’t actually know her type, right, so her getting a type specific antibody test to identify her type would be very helpful as well. I would say that you don’t have enough information at this point to proceed. And if she is unwilling to get an antibody test or you are or you both are, then you aren’t perhaps invested enough in this situation to proceed to the next step. I think the best approach here is the direct approach – you have been trying to find out more about her situation, you have been reading and researching and here is what you think you as a couple should do next………There is still the issue of birth control which most assuredly need to be addressed before having sex unless you ready to have a child with this woman. If her antibody test is positive for HSV 1, you will not be able to know if her infection is only genital or could be oral as well.
Terri
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Not everyone develops lesions when they first get infected, or their outbreak is so minor they miss it. That does not mean they never will have an outbreak though, they still could at a later time. And if it is HSV 2, they likely will.
Terri
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