Interesting situation.
First, I think you need an antibody test (IgG only) to see if you may already have HSV 1 and not know it (or even HSV 2 and not know it; 80% of those infected don’t know it). then you can start from a place of knowing the real situation, not guessing. Then you can start acting upon accurate information. You can even order this test online yourself, without a health care provider’s order. I like to use healthcheckusa.com but there are many services that do this. remember, only IgG, no IgM.
If your partner is infected with HSV 1, she an transmit the virus to you, either orally or genitally, without symptoms. However, 56% of the US population between 14 and 49 has HSV 1 infection; 70% don’t know it. Do even if you test negative at this point, and you decide to move on to another partner for this reason, you will very likely encounter another person who has this. You seem quite concerned about getting HSV 1 but are you willing to use that as a significant measure of who you will be partnered with? Some people will make the decision, many won’t.
Another alternative would be for her to take daily antiviral therapy to reduce the risk of infecting you. I guess that depends upon how willing she is to deal with your fears and how willing you are to deal with the small risk of getting her HSV 1 infection, either orally or genitally.
I don’t think there are any judgments to be made here – either by her friends OR you. Your concerns are your concerns. But you do need testing to know for sure this is an issue at all and then you and she, I think, need to have a talk and come to a place that works for both of you. Remember, half the women you will kiss / receive oral sex from/ in the future will have HSV 1, if they are between 14 and 49. The vast majority will deny that they are infected because they don’t know they are infected. And some will also have HSV 2; 80% of those people who are infected don’t know they are infected. This could also be true of your and/or your current partner.
I hope you will pursue getting more information about your true situation and treat this tenderly and with thoughtfulness.
Terri