I’m glad that you are reaching out to find ways to sort this out.
And you are right on target – condoms and suppression and awareness of outbreaks are the ways to reduce the risk of transmission. Condoms will reduce the risk of acquiring virus that may be present on or in the vagina without an actual sore. You could put a barrier on the labia like saran wrap or special panties for giving her oral sex.
People with new herpes do shed virus more often than later, that is correct. But there is no specific date where you can count on that.
The data on transmission varies greatly depending on the study that is conducted – the 4% is an average. There are studies showing higher and lower transmission rates.
There are specific things you can do to reduce transmission and you know that they are – at some point, you will need to simply step into the risk – carefully.
Please let me know other specific questions you may have.
Terri